


A Not So Merry Christmas

by witchofhell



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cheating, Christmas, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Smut, Spooky, Witchcraft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2019-10-03 15:26:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17286614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchofhell/pseuds/witchofhell
Summary: Lilith is a soft woman who has an independent soul and Negan is a broken man who has fallen in love with Lilith. They are very much in love and getting married on Christmas day.... At least that was the plan before everything falls apart on a beautiful winter night.The consequences? Well, they won't be very nice for our asshole-ish savior.





	1. Decisions

Negan was sitting in his office with stacks of papers on his desk. He had to get used to work on exam papers since he agreed to teach health class. He was lazily grading papers, bored out of his mind . There were lots of funny and dumb answers but even those weren’t enough to entertain him. 

Just as he was grading the last paper, his phone rang. He answered, not even bothering to look at the ID of the caller.

“Where are you?” Rick asked.

“I’m in my fucking office, grading some pathetic papers. I’m fucking losing faith in humanity, looking at some of these dumbasses’ answers.” Negan put the papers back in their folder and moved to the other side of his desk.

“Did you seriously forget?” Rick asked audibly surprised.

“Forgot what, Prick? Spill the beans.” Negan was already tired and couldn’t deal with his friend’s cryptic attitude at the moment.

“We’re supposed to be getting our final tux fittings in an hour. You really forgot that, didn’t you.” Rick was disappointed.

Negan closed his eyes and breathed deeply. He really had forgotten it. He checked his watch.

‘I’ll be down there in five.”

“You’re lucky I’m not telling Lilith. I can’t imagine how heartbroken she would be.” Now he was just teasing.

Rick Grimes was the colleague and best friend of Negan ; he was teaching history at the same high school. At first, the two didn’t get along and nobody could ’ve guessed they would become best buddies. Both of them were alpha males and when Rick met Negan, his wife Lucille was on her deathbed. Then they’d become closer. Rick helped him deal with his grief and that led them to a friendship.

When he got in the yard Rick was tapping his foot, waiting impatiently for him.

“There you are!” Rick exclaimed.

“Hold your horses, Ricky Dicky. Here I am. Someone sure did miss me.” Negan jested, but his cheerful tone didn’t reach his eyes.

“Behave, Negan, or I’ll tell Lilith you forgot your own tux fitting today. You’re getting married next week, man. Are you fully aware of that?”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Negan replied with a monotonous voice, but Rick decided not to press the matter.

Negan met Lilith eight months after he lost Lucille. She was the owner of his favorite book shop. Negan wasn’t usually much of a reader, but after he lost his wife he buried himself in books.

Negan was wandering through the shelves , trying to pick a good crime novel. It was his favorite genre but he had read most of the books on the shelves and he wasn’t interested in reading anything else at the moment.

“Are you looking for something specific, sir?” When Negan turned his back, he was met with a pair of big bright blue eyes. She was beautiful, with her mid-length wavy red hair and the light freckles around her nose. He kindly smiled to her. “Actually, darling, I’m trying to pick a good, fiery crime novel but I fucking guess I read most of them.” He replied, a hint of playful flirting in his tone.

“Well, do you wanna try something else? We have lots of new books in the fantasy and romance sections.” Lilith answered sweetly. His choice of pet name for her made her cheeks blush slightly.

“Fucking romance? I don’t think so, babygirl. And I’m not into imaginary shit like fantasy.”

“Don’t insult fantasy like that. They’re pretty good, if you ask me, and they’re my favorite. On the other hand, I gotta agree with you about romance.”

Negan was surprised. He always thought young and beautiful girls like her would be into knight in shining armor tales. “Really? I thought girls like you would fucking love romance.”

“Okay, sir, you’re just being rude now.” Lilith answered teasingly .

Negan grinned from ear to ear. It was the first time he genuinely felt a semblance of joy since Lucille died. ‘’You don’t need to call me sir, darling. Unless we’re somewhere else. I’m Negan.’’ he shot her a playful look ‘’So, you’re fucking telling me that you’re not into this dark, tall and handsome dude bullshit old ladies come up with in their stories.”

Lilith couldn’t help but blush at his unabashed flirting. ‘Well then, Negan, I am telling you that I’m not interested in any kind of romance novels. That includes stories about dark, tall and handsome men too. Also, I don’t think I’m named darling or babygirl. You can call me Lilith.’ She extended her petite hand, watching the handsome man standing before her with careful eyes.

Negan was shocked. ‘’Lilith? Just like in fucking mythology?’’ He asked, dumbfounded. Lilith chuckled loudly. ‘’I don’t think I seduce men and eat them afterwards but yeah, my name comes from that famous Lilith.’’

‘’I can’t disagree with the seducing part of the myth but I damn sure hope you’re not eating your man.’’

‘’Well, isn’t it great that I don’t have a man right now?’’ Though it was a joke, Lilith couldn’t deny the fact that she was fed up of being alone. Although she was still fairly young, most of her friends had a busy love life and she was the one who had to spend her nights alone in bed.

Negan had been distant with women for the past eight months. He hadn’t dated any one since then and maybe it was a sign for him to pull himself together and get back in the game. ‘’Since you don’t have a man to seduce and eat, do you want to go out for a coffee with me?’’ He asked with his usual confidence but really? He was hesitant. Afraid that she would reject him and tell him that he’s old enough to be her father.

Lilith was stunned. She didn’t think a man like Negan would ask her out. To be quite honest, she always thought she was the nerdy one. The type men wouldn’t even spare a second glance for. 

‘’I’d love that! Is this evening okay with you?’’ Although she tried not to sound too enthusiastic about it, she was sure she was miserably failing at it.

‘’You’re too fucking eager for someone who hates love stories, but, fuck yeah, I’m very much available tonight. I’ll come and pick you at 7 sharp. Are you going to be around here?’’ He asked.

‘’Yeah. I own this shop so I’ll be the one who closes the store tonight. See you then.’’ 

That night Negan took her to a little café, which he’d later come to learn was Lilith’s favorite. They ended up going at Negan’s place, but they didn’t have sex. That night, she peacefully slept next to Negan and the rest was history.

‘’You look good for someone around your age.’’ Rick interrupted Negan’s thoughts as he glanced at Negan in the mirror. 

Negan was fiddling with his cuffs ‘’I fucking guess.’’ He looked disinterestedly in the mirror. ‘’I mean, I’m a handsome son of a bitch. Of course I look fucking awesome.’’ His excessive cockiness wasn’t enough to fool Rick.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ Rick asked. He was observing his best friend carefully. Ever since the wedding had been announced, he had noticed Negan behaving in slightly uncharacteristic ways, but he didn’t give it a second thought, since he was all too well familiar with the stress that came with planning a wedding .

‘’Not a fucking thing my friend. I’m just tired. Last night was a wild fucking night is all, if you know what I mean.’’ Negan replied with a smug grin. Rick looked for the tailor. The old man was toying with his sewing kit, he was out of hearing range .‘’Cut the bullshit Negan. I know you too well for this. I’m not having it.’’ Rick’s baby blue eyes were filled with concern.

Negan sat down on the nearest chair and buried his long slim fingers in his black hair, disheveling it in the process.

‘’Is it Lilith?’’ He inquired. 

Negan gave his friend a sad smile. ‘’No, it’s me again. I’m a fucking disaster. I always ruin every fucking thing.’’ His sadness could be heard in his voice. It was practically pouring out from his words.

Rick bent down in front of Negan, ‘’Hey, it’s okay. We’re human. We always screw things over. Yeah, you made a huge mistake years ago, but you also learned from it.’’ He said with a caring undertone.

‘’Maybe I didn’t’’ Negan whispered, barely audible, but it didn’t go unnoticed by his friend.

‘’What do you mean? I thought you were ready for marriage this time. I mean, you’re marrying Lilith, a witch.’’ Rick joked lamely, trying to lighten up the mood.

This time, Negan couldn’t hide behind a snarky and witty reply. ‘’I thought I was.’’ he admitted with a defeated tone.

‘’Don’t tell me you’re changing your mind…’’

‘’Of course I’m not, Prick! I’m just fucking exhausted is all, and don’t you dare tell Lilith, but the wedding preparations are one royal pain in the ass.’’ 

This time, Negan managed to fool Rick, again building up those all too familiar walls.

‘’Okay, now let’s get these tuxes fitted. I don’t think Lilith would appreciate you looking like a circus monkey at the altar.’’ Rick chuckled.

‘’You’re the fucking monkey, asshole. She loves me anyway.’’ The last phrase spilled out from his lips absentmindedly, but it didn’t help to ease the pain in his chest.

Meanwhile, Lilith was trying to get ready with her friend Maggie, Aunt Carol and her mom. She picked out a burgundy red velvet dress for the rehearsal dinner. It was a wrap-over dress that reached her knees. The V neck pf the dress made her breasts look upright. Maggie was adding some last touches to her make up. 

‘’Negan won’t be able to take his eyes off you tonight.’’ Maggie teased with a mischievous look in her bright green eyes.

Lilith was embarrassed but giggled anyway. ‘’Hush. I’m sure he’s already tired. Taking up health class made him grumpy.’’

‘’Oh, honey, I’m sure he won’t be thinking about his classes tonight. In fact, I’m sure he’d skip the whole event and get straight to later tonight .’’ Maggie was Lilith’s best friend. They met in college and since then became inseparable.

Lilith’s mother, Jane, couldn’t help but let out a wicked laugh. Even though Lilith was an outgoing person, she was shy and private when it came to her sexual life.

‘’Oh my. Great. Now my mom and my aunt are making fun of me too. As if Maggie wasn’t enough.’’ She went almost as red as her hair, her blush spreading as far as her neck and cleavage.

Her aunt Carol, who was fixing Lilith’s hair, replied, her voice as calm as always ‘’Don’t worry honey, we know you’re having sex.’’

Lilith grumbled childishly. ‘’Can we please talk about something else?’’

‘’Someone’s extremely shy about their sex life but is getting married to a sex god, but okay. Whatever you say.’’ Maggie teased Lilith one last time.

‘’How do I look?’’ Lilith looked at the three women, her expression nervous. She was super anxious about the night. It was their rehearsal dinner and all of the planning and details already had her tired.

“Like an angel.” Jane spoke. Her soft voice was thick with emotion. She couldn’t believe her little girl was getting married in a week, on Christmas nonetheless .

With that, the mother and daughter couldn’t keep their tears at bay. “That’s because I’m your daughter. You’re my everything mom.” Tears of joy were welling in Lilith’s blue eyes.

Lilith had been with her mom for her whole life. They had always lived together until Negan asked her to move in together with him, three months ago.

Maggie and Carol were watching the touching scene in front of them with a content smile on their faces.

“You deserve everything beautiful in this world, darling. Go and be happy with the man you love.” Jane caressed her daughter’s hair gently, glad that Lilith finally found her shot at happiness.

The grand Italian restaurant bustled with laughter and chatting. Negan and Lilith were seated at a huge wooden table, surrounded by their friends and family.

Lilith gently took Negan’s hand in hers. “Are you okay? You look troubled ” She asked with concern . She was already nervous and anxious and Negan’s stagnant behavior didn’t help her at all.

“You saying I don’t fucking look handsome enough, sweetheart?” Negan asked with a false joy.

“You know, you always look good for me. It’s just like you don’t wanna be here. If you’d like, we could get this over with and end the night with a little toast and a speech, before heading back home, have more fun on our own .” Lilith smirked suggestively. Maybe a hot love making session would help both of them chase their worries away.

“Fuck yeah, that’s what I want to hear.” Despite all his efforts, Negan couldn’t hide his utter disinterest for the event. He had to make a decision and he had to do it quickly.

“Attention everybody!” Negan yelled a little bit louder than he intended for. The sea of familiar faces turned and looked at him with a pleasant expression.

Negan was lost for words for a few moments. He knew he was about say something nobody in this room could’ve ever thought of but it was now or never. He didn’t have any other choice.

Slowly standing up, Negan fixed his suit jacket and looked down at Lilith before blurting out :“I can’t fucking do this.”

Surprised gasps echoed through the room.

Negan looked into the eyes of his fiancée. “I’m not ready for marriage. I’m so fucking sorry that it took me so long to say it, but as much as I love you, I can’t marry you.”

The whole table was speechless . Jane and Rick were fuming with anger while Maggie, Carol and her uncle Ezekiel were still frozen in shock .

“What the hell are you doing?” Rick practically growled.

“I know I promised you that you were the one, that I would never hurt you but I just couldn’t keep it up anymore. You deserve so much better than a sack of shit like me.” Negan said hoarsely.

Lilith’s heart was pounding in her ears and in her stomach. She couldn’t fully process the current of events that unfolded. Her breath hitched in her throat, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks… but this time of sadness. 

She opened her mouth, but no word came out of it. She unconsciously twirled her engagement ring around her finger.

“You can keep the ring, Lil. I’m so sorry I wasted your time.” Negan turned to face the guests once again.

Lilith’s face was as pale as a ghost. “You…” she again tried to speak but failed.

Negan got out of the restaurant, shoulders slumped. He had to do it, he couldn’t make Lilith suffer the way he did Lucille.

Now he could go back to his miserable life and Lilith can go back to hers. It’ll be painful and hard for her at first, but she’ll get over it, eventually. That’s what Negan hoped and desperately tried to convince himself of, to no avail.

A cold, unforgiving winter wind was blowing but he couldn’t give less of a fuck. He rushed to his car and never once looked back


	2. Heartbreak, Whiskey and Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan faces the aftermath

When Negan got home, he decided to drown his sorrows in whiskey and gin. He didn’t give a fuck about anything anymore. He only had one goal in mind, and it was getting drunk off his ass and forget everything.

Swallowing the bitter amber colored liquid, he felt the heavy burn sensation in his throat and closed his eyes. He wanted to feel numb. The house was filled with little reminders of Lilith ; pictures on the walls, little crystals on bookshelves, little baubles she loved too much… but the worst thing was her smell. He could still scent it in the living room, drowning in it. That was why he was afraid to go into his bedroom in the first place; it was supposed to be theirs now, this night was supposed to end with them making love between the silk sheets. 

As he was throwing the drink out, a loud knock on the door startled him. He was too tired to go check who it was. Besides, he already knew.

While debating if he should answer the door or not, the poundings got louder and louder. 

“You have to answer me, Negan! Goddamnit.” Lilith’s determined yells’ are heard through the door and beyond. “Open the fucking door!” Lilith didn’t usually curse, unless she’s really angry. 

Negan sighed. He had to face her eventually. So, he decided to do it quickly and get over with it already. He slowly unlocked the door, still hesitant. 

When he opened the door, he was ready for almost anything, or at least he thought he’d be. He never could have guessed he could hurt Lilith that much. Her carefully made hair was dishevelled, her make up was ruined, but what made him speechless was the look in her eyes. They were filled with a coldness he had never witnessed before. 

He expected to see heartbreak and hatred in them, but they were just empty. The even more unexpected thing was the slap. She slapped him so hard that his already tearful eyes welled up even more. 

“Lili…” Negan began with a weary voice but he was cut by her harsh outburst. “Don’t you dare call me that! How dare you!? How could you!? You destroyed us in front of my mother, our friends!” She was fuming with anger.

“Lils, let me explain.” His voice was thick with emotion and he wasn’t trying to hide his tears. He was as heartbroken as she was.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up! You got a chance to talk at our fucking rehearsal dinner, now, it’s my turn! How could you do this to me!? I thought we were happy and in love! You could have told me before if you didn’t wanna get married! I wasn’t forcing you, was I?! In fact, I was the one who needed convincing! You worked your ass off to make me fall for you and now what!?” Lilith spat out, her words full of agony and hatred.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” He whispered. 

“Fucking rich! Little late for that, don’t you think? How could you destroy us like this? You were telling me about how much you loved me last night…” Lilith couldn’t help but hiccup. Tears were slowly spilling down on her cheeks. ‘’Did you ever love me?’’ She asked, hesitation in her fragile voice. 

Negan wanted to hold her and assure her everything was going to be okay. He wanted to take all her pain but he was the cause of it. 

He closed his eyes and sighed deeply, pinched his nose, opened his eyes and looked into hers. ‘’I don’t fucking know,’’ he finally let the truth out. 

‘’You don’t know?’’ Her lower lip was trembling, it was clear that she was doing everything she could to hold herself together at that moment. ‘’You weren’t even sure about your fucking feelings?!’’ 

‘’I’m not an easy man. You fucking know that, you knew what you were getting into in the beginning. When we started this relationship I really wanted this, us to work, but apparently it wasn’t destined to be the case for us. We do not belong together.’’ Negan managed to build his walls back all over again. 

Lilith was stunned. Her insides were aching with pain. “Sorry that I thought you would get better as a person! You know what, Negan? You are so fucking angry with yourself! You cheated on your wife several times and you thought you could make up for it when she got sick! I’m glad she died! At least she doesn’t have to put up with your cheating ass anymore, she’s free and peaceful! She’s better off without you anyway.” She was screaming with her all power. Bringing up Lucille into this conversation was a low blow but she was too angry to feel bad about it. 

“Don’t you ever fucking say her name!” Negan roared, stepping into her personal space. “Get the fuck out before I break you more, little girl.” He growled with a dangerous undertone. 

Lilith took a deep breath before saying her last words. “You know what, Negan? You’ll never be happy and die a fucking miserable old man. Someday, you’re going to wish that I was with you but it will be too fucking late before you know it. You don’t know what happiness is and I fucking hate you.” With that she yanked the door open and ran outside. It was her time to not looking back. 

Negan closed the door and headed to his bedroom. That was it, Lilith succeeded to make him angry. This time he wasn’t only angry at himself, but at Lilith too; he thought she would be all heartbroken and just pour her heart out but her words were sharp as fucking glass and cut him deeply, so he had to break her in turn. 

It was his way of rationalizing things in his head. When he stepped into his bedroom, he couldn’t help but get emotional again. Lilith’s nightgown was on the bed, the room was full of her perfume. He knew what he lost but he was too angry to accept it. If he could blame Lilith for all the things he had done, it would be easier to get better, though he was less than optimistic about him finding happiness ever again.

So, he literally ran out of the room and took the whiskey bottle. This time he didn’t even bother with a glass, drinking right from the bottle. 

An hour later, a drunk Negan was thinking about what kind of a man Lilith would find in time. He was sure that she could find someone else and fall in love again. She had so much waiting for her, she was young, but the thought of her with someone else still made the blood in his veins run cold. He blew his chance, yet thinking of her with some other prick still pissed him off. 

His thoughts got cut off with another knock on the door. He stood up woozily and headed towards the door, spilling the whiskey in the process. 

When he opened the door with a goofy grin on his face, Negan was met with the angry blue eyes of his friend, Rick Grimes. ‘’What the fuck were you thinking, you asshole?’’ Rick practically yelled at Negan. He was seemingly disgusted with his drunken state. 

Negan chuckled nonchalantly, offering his friend the bottle in his hand, despite it being nearly empty. ‘’I just fucking dumped some miserable girl, prick. Don’t fucking act like it’s a big fucking deal.’’ He slurred, ‘’Y’know what? She fucking told me that I would never be happy. Fucking bullshit.’’ He started to giggle.

Rick was watching the scene before him with astonishment. ‘’How much did you fucking drink?’’ He asked with a stern voice. 

Negan feigned as if he was thinking about something important. ‘’I don’t fucking know but I’m ready to bang a few chicks. Let’s go to fucking a bar and find a big breasted hot brunette.’’ Apparently, he was enjoying himself. 

Rick got in Negan’s face. ‘’Do you even hear what you’re fucking saying man? Cut the shit!’’ He shook Negan harshly. 

‘’Get your fucking hands off me!’’ Negan yelled and tried to push Rick with all of his power, but he was too drunk to even stand up, let alone anything else. 

‘’Would you listen to yourself? You left Lilith alone, you fucking abandoned her like that in front of everyone. Did you even care for her? She was your last chance at happiness, you motherfucking asshole.’’ Rick was practically walking up to Negan.

Negan shrugged like a petulant child. ‘’I don’t fucking care. I’m better off without her.’’ He started to laugh as if he told some funny joke. 

Rick was running out of patience. ‘’You know what? She’s better off without you. I don’t know what you are thinking or what kind of fucking monster got into you but you’d better man up or I’ll handle things without you. I’ll make sure that you won’t get near her.’’ His word spilled out of his mouth with anger. 

Rick’s words fueled Negan’s rage, almost sobering him up. ‘’What, Prick? You’re gonna try to get into Lilith’s pants now? Well, enjoy my sloppy seconds.’’ He answered with a cocky tone. 

Rick couldn’t take Negan’s insults anymore; he punched him in the face, hard. ‘’You’re not even worth it. I considered you my friend, you fucking bastard.’’ He was shaking with anger.

‘’Don’t act like you’re fucking better than me Ricky, your ex-wife cheated on you with your best friend. I knew that you were going after Lilith. Fucking sorry that I loosened her…’’ Negan never finished his sentence as his world was suddenly filled with stars.

When Negan woke up, he was lying on the couch, half of the whiskey spilled on him but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He rubbed his forehead and the memories of this evening started to flash in his mind. He slowly got up and checked his watch, it was past midnight. 

He lost his friend just like he lost Lilith. There was no coming back from what he had done and said. He was too far gone. Thinking about what he could’ve had, he slowly walked through the bathroom and washed his face, avoiding to look at the mirror because even the thought of seeing his own face sickened him. 

When he got out of the bedroom, the person he’d have the least expected was standing in front of him. Her back was facing him, she was wearing a polka dotted sundress in the middle of December. 

Negan felt a strange familiarity but couldn’t put his finger on it… 

The figure turned around slowly, ‘’You look more miserable than the day I died.’’ The woman said with a soft smile on her face. She was standing in the middle of Negan’s room and was wearing the outfit she had on when they first met. 

Negan froze. He knew that voice. It had been haunting him for years. He swallowed and blinked a few times, trying to wake himself up because surely he was dreaming, right?… 

‘’Lucille…’’ he choked on his words. 

‘’Hello, Negan.’’ She replied with that sweet tone of hers. Her curly brown hair was around her shoulder and she was looking even more beautiful than he remembered. 

‘’Aren’t you…’’ Negan couldn’t finish his sentence. He was dreading the word. 

‘’Yes, I’m very much dead but still here.’’ She answered like it wasn’t a big deal. ‘’So, how have you been?’’ 

‘’Good. You?’’ 

‘’Don’t lie to me, honey. You know I always see through your lies.’’ Lucille slowly got closer to him and caressed his cheek.

Negan desperately held onto her delicate hand. He was crying silently. ‘’I miss you so fucking much.’’ he whispered. 

‘’I miss you too, love, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Lucille smiled softly before got serious ‘’Why did you leave that girl, Negan?’’ 

‘’Do you know about her?’’ Negan asked with a confused tone. 

‘’I know everything about you, love. I know about your relationship with Lilith, I know about what you did to her.’’ Lucille explained with a knowing expression. 

Negan shifted uncomfortably. ‘’And you are okay with it? Me being with her?’’ 

‘’Of course, I am. Though you hurt her badly, my love.’’ Lucille was watching his face with her chocolate colored eyes. ‘’You’re more handsome than before.’’ She smiled softly. 

‘’I left her because of what I did. I couldn’t tell her, Lucy, she’s not you and I could never love her as much as I love you.’’ 

‘’You’re already head over heels in love with her, Negan. She’s your last chance at happiness.’’ Lucille said what Negan dreaded most. 

‘’She would never forgive me, Lucille. I screwed things up. Again.’’ He smiled sadly. 

‘’First, you need to forgive yourself, Negan. Yes, she’s not me and it would take time for her to forgive you but she loves you. She’d find forgiveness in herself eventually. She cares about you as much as you do for her.’’ Lucille took Negan’s head in her hands and placed a soft kiss on his lips. 

Negan held her in his arms and brushed his nose to hers. ‘’It’s too fucking late for that, Lucy.’’ he whispered. 

‘’It’s not too late for anything. Make it up to her, find a way to forgive yourself, Negan. You deserve a happy ending.’’ Lucille took a step back. 

Negan opened his eyes and looked at her through his tears. ‘’Don’t go, please. I can’t do this without you.’’ He was crying silently. 

‘’You can and you will.’’ Lucille turned away from him, ‘’And I forgive you, Negan. We’ll meet again.’’ At that, she disappeared into the night.

When Negan woke up, his head was throbbing. He tried to open his eyes but they were too heavy. 

‘‘Fucking hangover’’, Negan thought to himself and slowly opened his eyes. 

He wasn’t in his bedroom; instead, he was laying in a king sized, grey sheeted bed and the windows were covered with heavy, dark curtains. 

There were mounted animals on the grey walls and the room was furnished tastefully. 

He groaned loudly, ‘’I’m fucking dreaming again. Shit, I drank too fucking much last night.’’ He buried his head in his grey pillow and tried to sober up. 

Suddenly, the grand wooden door is opened and a man with a pornstache walked in. ‘’Good morning, boss. It’s almost noon, so I thought I should check on you.’’ The man said with an apologetic tone. 

Negan was shocked again but he was determined to wake up from this dream or nightmare, probably the latter. So, he asked with a growl. ‘’Where the fuck am I?’’ 

The pornstached man answered with a surprised but careful undertone ‘’Umm… boss, it’s home, The Sanctuary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't see that coming, did you?


	3. Abandon All Hope Who Ye Enter Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan has some ugly revelations on his path

‘’What?’’ Negan slurred. That was the only thing that could come out from his mouth at the moment.

Shock surrounded his whole body. He literally had no idea where he was, or what fucking was The Sanctuary. The room was definitely his style, except for mounted animals. He’d never been a fan of dead animals on the walls. However, Lilith would fucking despise this room and that was the reason why he hadn’t furnished theirs with dark furniture.

He blinked several times before taking a full glance at the man who was standing before him. Funny enough, Negan knew the man very well. He was his childhood best friend Simon, they grew up together and Simon was a bartender in the same small town. Long story short, he died in a terrible car accident three years ago and naturally, Negan hasn’t seen the man since then, but at the very moment Simon was standing in front of him, very much alive and a stressful expression on his face.

''That’s odd'' Negan mused.

It was evident that Simon was tired and, maybe, little bit scared… It was strange, though, cause no matter how intimidating Negan was Simon was one of the few people who was never afraid of him. The others were Rick and Lilith but Negan quickly pushed the thought of them off his mind.

Simon cleared his throat, waiting for to find the right words. Negan hasn’t been himself since that horrific day but he did never forget where he was before. It was new and very much worrying for Simon.

‘’Negan, I know that you don’t wanna fucking remember or acknowledge what had happened a month ago, but you need to find a way to get yourself together. This place needs you.’’ Simon spoke with a soft, caring tone. He knows that his boss, best friend is hurting nevertheless, but, also he is very much needed. There's no way Simon could run The Sanctuary without Negan and, to be honest, he is worried for his friend’s mental health too. It isn’t like they could afford a psychologist these days.

Negan slowly got up from the bed without saying another word to Simon. He was wearing the grey sweatpants and white t-shirt he wore last night just before going to the bed in his own room. 

He slowly moved the curtains aside and took a quick glance from window. The view had him shocked. There were lifeless, rotten corpses chained to the fence of the building and a few men with prisoner suits triying to tie them down.

Where the fuck was he? If this was a nightmare then it was, for sure the most horrific and unpleasant one.

‘’What the fuck are they doing?’’ Negan said with a loud voice. It wasn’t his intention to sound angry towards his friend but he couldn’t help it.

Simon was watching the same scenery from window. Though, unlike his friend, it was a pretty usual scene for him.

‘’You ordered for the remained Alexandrians to deal with the biters as a first thing in the morning, boss.’’ Simon shrugged his shoulders and explained like there was nothing wrong with it.

Negan furrowed his brows. His face was frowned. ‘’Biters?’’ He asked with a genuine confused voice.

Simon took a deep breath before his next words. He slowly put his hand on Negan’s shoulder as a supporting manner. ‘’Look, Negan. I know you’re suffering and I wish we could go back in time and make things right but, as you can fucking see, that’s not the case. Locking yourself in that mind of yours and trying to forget everything might have seemed a better choice but it’s not. You have to move on.’’ He was watching Negan with almost pitying eyes.

‘’Plus, Rick the Prick has started to be a pain in the ass. You need to take care of him, too.’’ Simon stated.

Rick? If he’s in this shit hole then, maybe he knows what the actual fuck is going on too.

Negan nodded towards his best friend, licking his lips. ‘’Okay. Fucking wait outside while I put on decent fucking clothes then.’’

Simon turned and left the room just like an obedient dog.

An inanimate object caught his eye. A barbed wire baseball bat is just standing beside his wardrobe. It had a few scratches on it, but other than that the bat looked fine and, well, deadly. Probably it’s a fucking weapon for dealing with the moving corpses.

As Negan went through the drawers he couldn’t help but think about the one person he needed at the moment.

Lilith… Maybe it was all her doing, since she was always talking about witchy stuff he hadn’t believed nor given a second thought. What if it was his punishment for breaking her heart?

‘’Bull-fucking-shit.’’ He muttered under his breath. Negan wasn’t an illogical person. Of course, he believed in things like religion, and he considered himself a believer. He wasn’t religious or something but he understood the religion, at least the logical parts of it.

I’m trying to rationalize this fucking hell hole with irrational things. He told himself.

But when he opened the drawer he met his very own clothes. Bunch of white shirts he loved so much and his one and only leather jacket, and lots of black shirts.

‘’You fucking kidding me?!’’ He roared with an uncontrollable anger. He was rubbing his face, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He dressed hastily and got out of the room with heavy, rushed steps. His heart was pounding in his stomach.

Simon watched him with a concerned glance. Thinking about if he should inform him about the absence of his precious bat, probably he forgot to take it and considering his commitment to the object, he decided to tell Negan.

‘’Boss, I see you’re pretty preoccupied today. You left Lucille in the room.’’ Simon said with a humoristic way. Trying to hide his worries with a reassuring smile.

WHAT THE FUCK FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK?

Negan’s face fell instantly. He felt the blood in his veins going cold. His already pale and tired face became paler in seconds. He could feel a wave of nausea was washing him up.

‘’What the fuck did you just say?’’ He tried to sound firm but failed miserably. He could barely speak and his voice was shaky.

Simon was shocked. His friend had never spent a day without Lucille by his side, but, apparently the latest events had Negan shook more than Simon had cared to admit. So, he took a deep breath and decided to drop asking about the famous bat. ‘’Let’s get you something to eat first, then we’ll take care of everything else.’’ He put his hand on Negan’s shoulder with a soothing manner.

As they started to walk in long, dim hallway Negan tried to convince himself that this wasn’t happening for real, it was just a dream, a fucking trick of his drunk mind, but, unfortunately he couldn’t bring himself to believe that the place wasn’t real.

He meant to ask Simon what was going on and what he fucking exactly meant by ‘’Lucille’’, but he was already feeling so goddamn tired, and he shouldn't scare Simon if he wants to get out of this place.

‘’You’re quiet, boss. Care to share your thoughts?’’ Simon interrupted in an attempt to collect the attention of Negan.

Negan closed his eyes for a second and tried to sound normal to his death but somehow alive friend. If he wanted to know about where he fucking was then he had to play by the rules.

‘’So many things but I’m just feeling fucking tired and goddamn hungry, y’know.’’ He dropped the words with an uninterested tone. 

As two men walked towards the stairs they passed by a grand wooden doored room. The door was open, so, Negan forced himself to look the other way. He didn’t want to come face to face with anybody else, especially if the person was someone he knew. He didn’t know if he could take it. What if Lilith was in there? But, he caught glimpse of an enormous crystal chandelier and shiny shelves filled with alcohol.

Despite his efforts to avoid the parlor a petite, feminine form slightly moved and caught his attention.

‘’Negan?’’ A soft, almost afraid feminine voice was heard in the empty hallway.

When Negan turned around he couldn’t recognize the blonde immediately but felt a strange familiarity.

I’M IN FUCKING HELL.

The blonde was twirling with her long hair. She had a concerned expression on her pretty face. Her baby blue eyes were wide with curiosity and hesitation.

Negan tried to remember the blonde’s name. It had to be something like Amanda or Amber.

Amber… She was one of the women Negan had cheated on Lucille with. He met her during one of his team’s matches. She was the sister of one of his students, and he fucked her in that particular evening on the benches. They had fooled around for a few times but she had become clingy over time and made herself believe in stuff like he was going to left Lucille for her. So, he had put her away like the trinkot she was and looked ahead for his fair share of women.

Negan’s throat was closing up. He could feel his stomach dropping and cold sweat was running down from his back. If hell is real then it is this exact place.

‘You’ve been avoiding us for a month… I wanted to know if you’re okay, y’know, if we can help.’’ She said with the same calm and hopeful tone Negan had known back then.

We? What the fuck is we?

Without thinking Negan walked towards to the parlor and felt a delicious horror with what he has just seen.

Four women, clad in black dress and high heels, looking pretty with their makeup on. And, unfortunately, Negan knew every one of them very well. He had forgotten their names in time but couldn’t forget their faces. He hated them with every cell on his body and they made him hate himself even more. They were the cruel evidence what he had done to the two women he had loved so dearly.

Sherry,

She was the first woman he had cheated on Lucille with. They were neighbors. Sherry lived in the house across from Negan’s, and she was married but, of course, it didn’t stop him. They had an affair going on for at least two or three months.

She had always find Negan attractive and when she came to him he couldn’t find the strength to say no to her. They ended the affair when her husband, Dwight found out.

Tanya, she was a simple lay. Negan met her in a restaurant. She was working as a waitress there and looking forward for a one night stand. He was supposed to book that restaurant for Lucille’s birthday but when he saw the deep V neck blouse Tanya was wearing he immediately forgot about his wife, as always, and took her to the first motel he could find.

They fucked roughly that night and Negan went back to home, to find out that his Lucille had cancer.

And, the redhead, Frankie. He didn’t have to force his mind to remember the details with her cause what had happened with her was recent. She was the first and last woman he cheated on Lilith with.

When he asked Lilith to move in with him she didn’t say yes immediately, like he had imagined. So, they got into a meaningless stupid fight because of his self insecurities and he hit the bar that night. Determined to get drunk like an ass but, what he hadn’t planned was fucking the redhead who was giving him come and fuck me eyes for whole night.

He ended up fucking her there and then in the small bar toilet and couldn’t shake the fact that he wasn’t fully drunk while he was fucking her against the wall, making her scream his name over and over. He got mad at Lilith and tried to get revenge on her…

When he came to his senses he was already at his own home, looking at the caller ID of Lilith. Thinking about calling her and telling what he'd done that night but he couldn’t bring himself to do it because he knew that Lilith would never forgive him. She’d leave him in the blink of an eye and never look back.

He wasn’t strong enough to live without her, at least that was what he thought, he had no idea what guilt was gonna make him do back then and he passed out on his couch. Tears on the corners of his eyes and vomit on his lips.

Negan was looking at them but wasn’t able to understand what they were saying to him. All the four women’s mouths were moving but he couldn’t hear them. His ears were pounding so hard that for a moment, he thought he was going to black out. Oh, how that was the only thing he wanted at the moment.

What did him bring back to reality was Sherry’s sickening touch. She was shaking his shoulders gently, trying to tell him something.

‘’Negan, we’re your wives. You can’t neglect us like that.’’ Sherry stated with an unpleasant tone.

‘’GET. THE. FUCK. OUT!’’ Negan roared. His throat was one fire. He was pretty sure that he damaged his vocal cords.

‘’I’m fucking done with you. Get the fuck out. I don’t wanna see any fucking of you ever a-fucking-gain. Get out of my fucking sight before I fucking kill you!’’ He yelled like an animal. His saliva was on the corners of his mouth.

‘’D-do you want me to give you a m-massage? Don’t mind Sherry. I-if you’d like, of course.’’ Frankie asked with a scared voice from the place she was sitting. She was fumbling with her fingers, afraid.

‘’You! Especially you! If you say one fucking more word I’m going to fucking chain you to the fence. Get the fuck out before I come fucking back.’’ Negan yelled the last time and got out of the room, never looking back.

Simon was sweating while trying to catch up with Negan. He hadn’t seen his friend that angry since the day he had slaughtered all of the other communities.

‘’Simon!’’ Negan barked. His hazel colored eyes were almost dark with danger. He was fuming like an animal.

‘’Yes, boss.’’ Simon tried to sound obedient , finally catching up with Negan’s faster than lightning steps.

‘’I want them fucking gone by the end of the day. Do you fucking understand me? I don’t wanna fucking see any of them. If they wouldn’t be gone until tonight, then you’ll be the one to take their punishments. Am I fucking clear?’’ Negan hinted with a dangerous voice.

‘’Yes, sir, boss. Don’t worry.’’ That was the exact thing Simon was afraid of. Having to deal with his wives. They were all bitchy and spoiled. He didn’t know how to remove them from The Sanctuary, but he had to find a way if he wants to live.

Finally, they got to the first floor and Negan found himself in a pool of people. They were clothed badly and he couldn’t say they were living under hygienic circumstances either.

When people realized Negan was there they got on their knees immediately. However, Negan wasn’t in a state to understand why they were kneeling so he began to wander around in hopes to get something to eat and maybe find another familiar face, though, he wasn’t sure if seeing one more person from his prior life is gonna make him feel good.

Simon cleared his throat as an attempt to warn Negan. ‘’Ugh, boss, you need to…’’ He showed the still kneeling people.

He furrowed his brows. He had to tell them to stand up? ‘’Alright, okay. Stand the fuck up. I don’t have whole fucking day.’’

As people stood up the whispers started immediately. All of them were shocked with Negan’s attitude. Sure, he hasn’t been himself lately but he’d never forgotten to tell them ‘’As you were.’’

‘’Umm, boss.’’ Simon nudged Negan’s arm with his elbow. ‘’You always say as you were when you’re ordering people to stand up, but I guess, you’re pretty tired today.’’ Simon said as if people kneeling before Negan wasn’t something important.

Am I a fucking cult leader? Lilith, if it’s your doing then you’re fucking right. I deserve all of this shit.

His hunger and the abominable morning he was having made Negan’s whole body ache. Sure, he also wanted to cry and crash every fucking thing he could find but he, also, wasn’t sure if his mental state and body could take it.

Suddenly, his eyes caught a glimpse of brownish red locks. The woman’s back was turned and she was wearing a pastel pink flannel. For a moment, he thought about the woman who was occupying his mind, his heart and his whole being but he quickly realized that the woman wasn’t the one he was looking for.

Jane… Lilith’s mother. She was having a chit chat with an older lady. She sounded nice but it didn’t take a genius to figure out that she wasn’t happy. Instead, her sadness was dripping on her face. Her bright blue eyes were absent from their usual joy. They were full with a grey melancholy.

Jane was quick to realize that someone was watching her, and that someone was the only person she hated with every fiber in her body.

She abruptly stopped her chit chat with the older lady and turned to Negan. If looks could kill Negan would have been dead by now. Jane was practically throwing daggers at him with her intense glare.

‘’How dare you? How dare you are standing there, living your life after what you’ve done?! Have you no fucking shame? How could you continue to fuck your wives after… a-after.’’ She let out a sob, couldn’t finish her sentence.

The whispers had stopped. All of the people were in silence and shock. They stood there, watching the scene unfold before them.

Negan was stunned. He couldn’t keep himself from thinking that what he had done to Lilith this time… How badly did he hurt her? And wives? He couldn’t touch any other women after that disgusting night full of regret and guilt.

Jane took a deep breath and let the words out from her trembling lips. Her face was shiny from the tears she couldn’t stop. ‘’I fucking hate you. You’d better watch out, Negan.’’ She said his name like it’s a disease.

‘’When I have the chance, and I swear to god, I will. I’m going to fucking kill you. I’m going to fucking bleed you ‘till you go fucking numb and then I’ll kill you. You fucking monster.’’ Jane spit on the ground before turning back and going back to her work.

Negan could feel his heart is squeezing so badly. He immediately left the building and found himself in the yard of The Sanctuary.

He was sweaty and feeling dizzy. Bending, he couldn’t keep it together anymore and threw up his empty stomach, only bile coming out from his mouth.

When he straightened up he found Simon beside him.

He was standing there, unsure of what to do. Negan was being hard on himself and according to Simon’s experiences the day has triggered a panic attack for his boss.

Negan finally caught his breath. His face was dreading colour but he forced himself to be strong. At least, he had to know about Lilith. He had to find her and make this right.

What if he cheated on her with those five women and she saw it, or she was pregnant and she lost it because of him being such a dickhead. Maybe, she was with someone else, trying to be happy and forget him.

To be honest, Negan would be miserable and sad for the rest of his life if Lilith is moved on and happy with someone else, but that was the only thing she had deserved from the beginning. A healthy relationship with a person who loves her and makes her feel loved.

So, Negan took a deep breath and braced himself for what was coming, and asked the inevitable question.

‘’Simon, where is Lilith?’’ His voice was filled with exhaustion, fear and a little bit hope.

Simon didn’t know how to answer this question. He could mince the words and gain some time or left his question unanswered but this would be the cruelest thing for Negan.

In Simon’s mind Negan already knew the answer but apparently didn’t want to face it, so his mind had deleted the truth or hided in somewhere.

Therefore, he decided not to sugar coat his answer or delay the unbearable ugly truth. So, he let the words out without giving a second thought about it.

‘’Negan, Lilith is dead.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, good news is I'm not abandoning this story and I promise that the next chapter is coming really soon.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this was a sad begining, but don't worry, the worst is coming!


End file.
